Previous articles

For all my Chestnut Avenue survivors please enjoy a selection of articles from my previous journalism, titled 'The Chav': 

EXCLUSIVE: MY BOSS FORCED ME INTO SLEEPING WITH HER!

The Chav can exclusively reveal that a manager working at Leeds University Union, forced one of her 21 year old employees into sleeping with her. In a frank yet sombre interview, third year chair-embezzler, Melissa Bahakam, admitted that the experience has left her traumatised.

Melissa, known to none of her friends as Lissy, told me, over a steamy hot chocolate which was disappointingly served without cream, that she was naive to the pressures of working part-time in retail. She claims that the incident took place during a trip to London, where she was to assist her boss as a fashion buyer, a career she once had dreams of stepping into. Her manager, a former Apprentice applicant who cannot be named for legal reasons, had other ideas.

Upon arriving in the country’s capital, Melissa discovered that she was expected to share a hotel bedroom with her employer who is almost twenty years her senior. “It was awkward” she said, with a smile that didn’t quite meet my gaze. Forced sexual encounters often are, I replied.

Following claims that Melissa knew full well what she was getting into and that she prostituted herself out to gain experience to put on her CV, we can confirm that her travel expenses, accommodation and food on the trip, comprising mainly of sandwiches and muffins, were indeed paid for by the company of the offender, Leeds University Union.

LUU refused to comment, asking me to please leave the refectory.

WORKING NINE TIL’ FIVE

It’s all work and no play in the house this week after three of the residents, former Chav 60 housemates, Sam, Jan and Jack, have enjoyed working at the university.

Sam and Jack, who both work for LUU in events and retail respectively, have spent much of the week learning the basics in the jobs that are to become theirs for the forthcoming year.

In an exclusive with Sam, who had just returned from a seven hour shit, I mean shift, working in the university nightclub cloakroom, claims to have seen not one, but two items of clothing matching those owned by his long distance girlfriend Holly-Anne Barber. 

Elsewhere, Jack, having learned he is the only boy working in the university shops CATS, Gear and Changing Gear (formerly Hiccup) was unimpressed when he found out that his managers refer to their staff as kittens. Yes. You heard it right- kittens! Jack, the only male kitten – a mitten if you will, has vowed to inject some masculinity into the shops, prompting sniggers from his co-worker Melissa Bahakam.

JAN ‘QUITS’ UNI

In a surprising story just unfolding, Janine Lambert sensationally told the Chav how she had set plans in motion to leave the University of Leeds, following a misunderstanding with an examination result email.

Janine, dirt poor, from Birkenhead is usually known for her computer skills, so this debacle comes as a shock to those around her.

She was awaiting the results of a module she had to retake this summer, when an email from her department stating she was a Bachelor of Law had been sent to her email address, chubbychaser@hotmail.com.

Believing this to signal her degree classification had been downgraded, Janine responded with a message expressing her sadness that she would be withdrawing herself from Leeds.

“I was going to leave in the middle of the night” Janine, known to most of her friends as Jan, later admitted. “I couldn’t bear to tell anyone, I would have had to leave a note” she said, through tears, to her pale friend Jack Gledhill. Jack told The Chav that Jan had ‘moaned’ to some girlfriends living abroad about the incident but could not find the right time to break the news to her housemates, who rely on her heavily around the house for her tea and milky breasts.

In fact it wasn’t until one of her housemates, the unpredictable Samuel Elie had acquired internet access for the house this Sunday that she discovered an email from her tutor, Michael Cardwell which explained she had indeed passed and that ‘Bachelor of Law’ was another way of saying ‘LLB’, a phrase which Jan has been known to use to describe her degree.

A meeting with Cardwell is scheduled for tomorrow. It is unclear yet whether Jan will dare show her face. 

THE GANG WELCOMES TWO NEW HOUSEMATES

It seems the expression "you win some you lose some" is fitting this week at 19 Hyde Park Terrace. Just as we mourn the loss of two prior housemates (Gibbs and Barber: See Obituaries) we welcome two others who are faster, sleeker and just that little bit cooler than the girls they are replacing.

Meet Travina and Vinecia, Sam and Jack's new identical twin bicycles. Rented this year for a steal at £35, the boys snapped them up, as they had been keen to adopt a new set of wheels for a while.

When choosing names for their bikes they looked across the pond, to Sam's Canadian friend Connie, who herself had just bought some bicycles, named Travis and Vinny, with one of her non-descript friends.

The boys couldn't be happier with their bikes. "Nothing could ruin my good mood" Sam has been reported to have said.

TROUBLE WITH TRAVINA

Just hours after meeting his new companion, Travina, Sam took  her to Morrisons to buy ingredients for his famed recipe, Carbonara. He raged hard when he discovered somebody, no doubt a hoodlum from a deprived area, Scunthorpe perhaps, had slashed Travina's rear tyre whilst he was shopping.

YOUNG AND OLD COLLIDE AT LOCAL CINEMA

As part of a last minute attempt to add experience to an empty CV, this reporter, six weeks ago, began volunteering at the Hyde Park Picture House in Leeds. Since then, every Thursday, without fail I get myself down to the cinema, a registered charity and landmark within the area.

My duties have primarily involved serving popcorn and refreshments to guests of the cinema, alongside my volunteering companion, a smiley retired lady named Lesley.

We were forced to bond quickly during a showing of the award winning French film, Un Prophete. Sitting down into our reserved seats, which boast an unlimited amount of leg-room, we smiled at each other. She was like the grandmother I never had, and I, the grandson she so desperately wanted.

The film began.

“Shut the fuck up you motherfucking cunt” were the opening lines. In my peripheral vision Lesley’s jaw dropped. I daren’t looked over. It was excruciating. The film progressed to included scenes of masturbation and male rape.

It was one hell of a bondage, erm, I mean, bonding session, however, and since then we haven’t looked back, enjoying each other’s company during many other films including the pretty self explanatory ‘Sex and drugs and rock and roll’. Rock on! 

BAA!

THEY

SAID.

Anger erupted in the house when Sam passed on news that Holly-Anne Barber, who popularised the drinking game Rhythm in her first year at Leeds, has come out as a vegetarian. As yet, it is unclear whether or not the crabstick enthusiast eats fish but either way, her actions have caused upset among those closest to her.

Janine, her former bathroom buddy, was furious and plans to express her anger in a monthly email she writes, based on her menstrual cycle.

Jack is keen to hear her reasoning, having long been a fan of her speeches against corporate monster Tesco and hangs on to the hope that her sudden turn to vegetarianism is part of uncovering another conspiracy.

Sam, who has first-hand knowledge that she likes a nice piece of meat... refused to comment.

Holly denies rumours she is a sheep, but admits she no longer eats them. 

BAKING'S ON THE RISE

Baking fever has hit Leeds in a heated war that began this Wednesday. Whilst visiting his friend Bean’s house, owned by penny-flipper and all round bad-ass Penny Whittington, Jack was fed some homemade apple and blackberry pie by the blonde Arizonian.

“Delicious” he exclaimed, and the challenge had begun. The next day at seven pm, equipped with a variety of cooking utensils, including a bottle of Pimms used as a makeshift rolling pin, he set to work. An hour later, Jam Tarts, fresh from the oven and a raging Bean.

“Oh it’s on” she said, before remembering something, “Damnit! If only I brought my banana bread around! Then you’d see!” Quick as a flash and with the raise of both eyebrows Jack replied “If ifs and ands were pots and pans...”

Baking continues with a Bakewell tart, set to be made by Jack this week.

KATE NASH: MUSIC REVIEW

Kate Nash descended onto the Hyde Park scene this week, performing an intimate warm up gig at local hot-spot, Brudenell Social Club. Amongst the singer’s fans were partners in crime Jack Gledhill and Jan Lambert.

Following riotous applause, Nash quickly explained to the crowd that this smaller event was a thank-you to her loyal fans. She told her attentive listeners, ‘these songs are yours now, you own them’, prompting Jan, a former virgin, to mutter some law-jargon under her breath, regarding the absurdity of Nash’s comment.

The gig commenced - A brilliant collaboration of songs, poetry and heavy drinking. During the anti-homophobia anthem ‘I’ve got a secret’, Nash engaged with the fairly subdued audience, telling them to ‘fucking sing’ for gay rights. At this point, Jan, always keen to make a political statement, stole what surely should have been Jack’s thunder, suddenly announcing to the world that Kate was now top of her much talked about ‘gay-list’. Nash’s gash aside, the gig was deemed a success by the pair and they stumbled home and proceeded to get drunk and to cry.

Afterwards, we can reveal that Jack announced on a social networking site, which may or may not have been Facebook, that the gig was better than when he saw Laura Marling. Jan also professed that it was superior to her favourite concert, A1. But, whether it was up there with first-year favourites, The Hoosiers, is still up for debate.

Videos below!